又一篇好文来啦，请阁下细细品尝。我们每个人心中都有对所爱之人的期待，或善良、或体贴、或友好，而事实可能更加阴暗，我们可能会倾向于爱上不利于我们的幸福的人。童年时期我们从各种各样给我们带来烦恼的人那里学会了爱。父母的冷漠，强控制欲，成为了我们在爱情中寻找的东西，因为这些伴随着我们成长的特质是我们习惯了的，是我们感到安全的。我们如何才能从童年的创伤中解放了自己？One of the strangest things about relationships is that we're not free to feel attracted to just anyone. We tend to have very strong psychological types that we can't deviate from. All of us carry inside us very specific inner shopping lists, defining what the people we can love need to be like as characters. You might think these shopping lists would be focused around lovely requirements. Like that our potential lovers would need to be kind, understanding, friendly, and from our age and social group.爱情中最奇怪的事情是，我们不会随意被任何人所吸引。我们往往不能偏离心中牢固的爱侣类型。我们每个人心中都有非常具体的选购清单：选购清单定义了我们所爱之人的特质。你可能会认为这些选购清单将聚焦在美好的需求，符合我们对于爱侣的期待，即对方善良、体贴、友好，来自我们所处的时代和社会团体。But the shopping lists are in fact often a lot weirder and darker. We may end up neglecting all sorts of potential candidates, dismissing them as boring or yucky or somehow just wrong, and heading straight to people whose characteristics are pretty awkward and not conducive to our happiness.但选购清单实际上往往更奇怪和更阴暗。我们最终可能会忽视各种潜在候选人，认为这些人或无聊或反感，或在某种程度上不合适，并直接倾向于人格特质特别笨拙和不利于我们的幸福的人。For example, we may only be able to fall in love with people who are much less clever or responsible than we are. Or who are really unreliable, or who are selfish and self-absorbed, or sarcastic and mean. It can be very puzzling to those around us and to ourselves. Why on earth can't we settle down with people who are good for us? That's because what we're looking for in love isn't necessarily someone who is nice, pure and simple, but someone who feels familiar.比如，我们只会与比我们更聪明和有责任感的人坠入爱河。要不然就是实在不可靠的人，自私自利的人，尖刻和卑鄙的人。我们在这种情况下对于自己和周遭的人都非常困惑。为什么在这世上我们难以找到适合我们的人，并安定下来？这是因为我们寻找爱对方不必然是友善的纯粹而单纯的人，而是你感到熟悉的人。And a lot of us learned about love in childhood, at the hands of people who were, in a variety of ways, trouble for us, and who continue unconsciously to guide our love types. Our earliest caregivers give us templates of what it is to love and be loved, which can cause havoc with our chances of happiness.The trickiness in our love types tend to go in one of three ways. Let's imagine dad was cold or violent or abusive, or mom was belittling, unavailable or controlling. It was horrible, yet that ends up being what we look for in love.而我们许多人都在童年时期从各种各样给我们带来烦恼的人那里，学会了爱。我们最早的养护者给我们提供了爱和被爱的模板，这种模板可能会毁掉我们获得幸福的机会。爱情类型的棘手之处倾向于三种。想象一下，爸爸是冷漠的、暴力的、虐待的，妈妈是贬低人的、难以交谈的、控制欲强的。这很可怕，但最终这些特质却成为我们在爱情中寻找的东西。Why would we ever repeat something that was deeply uncomfortable? Well, because even though it was horrible, it was still a love relationship. There was abuse but also, let's imagine, a degree of familiarity, admiration, attachment and even tenderness. They may have been belittling, but it's what we got used to. And now, however illogical it sounds, it doesn't quite feel right unless it's kind of awful as well. It's not nice as such, but it feels comfortingly, compellingly familiar.我们为什么会重复那些让人难以承受的特质呢？因为尽管这很可怕，但这仍然是一段亲密的关系。想象一下，这其中虽然有虐待，但也有一定程度的熟悉、钦佩、依恋，甚至是柔情。父母可能一直在贬低我们，但我们已经习惯了。现在，不管听起来多么不理性，多么不合适，除非是在太糟糕了，虽然不是很合适，但是感觉很舒服，是熟悉的味道。Or, imagine the experience firsthand... what it was like to be made to feel terrible, to be humiliated and hurt. And then, weirdly, we may end up doing the same thing to someone else. Humiliating them in turn, bossing them about, going cold on them just when they're vulnerable to us. It's as if a primitive part of us thinks that the only way not to be abused is to be the abuser. Deep inside the child-like emotional self thinks, the person who did that thing to me was, in a way, the opposite of me, and that must be the place of safety, and that's who I want to be in any relationship.或者，直接想象这种体验…感受到糟糕，被羞辱和被伤害是怎样的体验。然后，奇怪的是，我们可能会对别人做同样的事情。反过来羞辱他们，对他们呼来喝去，在他们脆弱的时候对他们冷漠。好像我们的原始的心理觉得唯一不被滥用的方法就是成为施虐者。在孩童般的自我的内心深处，我想，在某种程度上，那个虐待我的人是我的反面，那肯定是令人感到安全的一面，那是我在任何关系中想要成为的人。When parents cause us trouble, we're often so keen to get away from it, we develop blocks around all kind of character traits they may have had, which might actually have been good and actually unrelated to the troublesome traits. So, for example, our father might have been belittling but highly intelligent. And now, regrettably, anyone intelligent can be seen hugely putting us off. Or we always felt our mother was somehow revolted by sexuality, ours especially, but she was really warm and cuddly. Now, sadly, anyone who is warm and cuddly is imagined to be punitive around sex and hence feels wrong and has to be rejected.当父母给我们制造烦恼的时候，我们总是渴望摆脱烦恼，我们会躲着父母身上可能有的所有类型的性格特征，这些特征可能实际上是好的，与那些造成烦恼的特质没有关联。我们的父亲可能会损我们，但却非常聪明。而现在，遗憾的是，任何聪明的人都被我们认为极大地阻碍了我们。或者我们总是觉得我们的母亲在某种程度上厌恶性方面的事情，但她真的很温暖，很可爱。而现在，可悲的是，任何温暖可爱的人都被想象成对性的事情具有惩罚特质，因此觉得他们不合适，必须拒绝这类人Our inner love maps are really hard to tease out. They certainly don't spell themselves out, so we have to make efforts to find out what they're dictating so as to free ourselves from their demands. The investigation starts, as always, by trying to understand ourselves. What did I suffer from at the hands of my early caregivers? Am I finding myself drawn to that in adults I fancy? Am I causing trouble for people in ways I might have suffered from when I was young? Am I putting off certain people because they have traits I associate with people who cause me difficulties as a child? Might I find the traits I like in other people without the ones I fear?我们内心的“爱情地图”真的很难梳理出来。“爱情地图”当然不会把自己拼出来，所以我们必须努力找出指令，以便把我们从地图中解放出来。调研必须从试图了解我们自己开始。在我早期的养护者的帮助下，我遭受了什么？我是否发现自己被我想象中的成年人所吸引？我给人们带来麻烦的方式是不是我年轻时可能遭受过的？我之所以拒绝某些人是因为他们的某些特质让我联想到小时候给我制造烦恼的人吗？我能在别人身上找到我喜欢的特质而不是我害怕的特质吗？Emotional health means expanding on the number of people we're free to fall in love with. We learn about love in childhood, but we liberate ourselves from the traumas of childhood when we realize we can love in different ways, and get used to something that may at first be eerily and challengingly unfamiliar. Being happy with someone who is properly and deeply good for us.情绪健康意味着我们可以任意爱上更多的人。我们在童年时就学会了爱，但当我们意识到我们可以用不同的方式去爱并且习惯了一开始可能是陌生的、充满挑战的东西时，我们就从童年的创伤中解放了自己。和一个真正对我们好的人幸福地在一起。By The School of Life译：F良哥