又一篇好文来啦，请阁下细细品尝。我们每一个人都渴望得到爱。但如果爱没那么容易得到，我们就会想办法应对这种缺失，比如变成一个总是想照顾别人的人，总是想着帮助的人。我们会给别人我们自己想要却没得到的东西，把我们自己的不足变成对别人的慷慨，把我们自己需要被治愈的部分投射到别人身上，然后通过帮助他们来间接治愈自己，而不是直接面对自己的问题。然而，真正的成熟不光是能给别人东西，还包括能接受别人给我们的东西。We might assume that our great longing in relationships would be to be looked after by someone; an exceptionally kind person who could listen to us, nurture us, assist us and make us feel comforted and seen. 在人际关系中，我们总是幻想且渴望着能遇到一个体贴入微的人，这个特别善良的人能听懂我们的话，懂得呵护我们，支持我们，让我们心里暖暖的，觉得自己被看见。But this is to ignore just how strong there is – in some of us – a diametrically opposed aspiration: a wish to find someone who is in a lot of pain and trouble, who is confused and sad, unhappy and overwhelmed, and who therefore cannot possibly do very much for us, but who we, on the other hand, have every opportunity to hold, appease, calm, and heal. 但我们不能因此忽视，我们中一些人的内心其实有着完全相反的渴望：我们想找的是那种痛苦不堪、麻烦缠身的人，这些人满是伤感、困惑、不快乐，甚至被生活压得喘不过气来。身处困境的人可能帮不了我们什么，但我们却抓住一切机会去关心他们、安慰他们、甚至治愈他们。For this group among us, troubles aren’t just nuisances to be managed, they lie at the core of what we positively desire to find in others. We feel our heart tighten when we learn that someone had a difficult childhood, or is isolated and adrift or has been bullied at work or made to feel worthless in a past relationship. These are not merely regrettable incidentals; they lie at the centre of our feelings of love.在我们这些人心里，我们所遇到的不仅仅只是麻烦，其实是我们特别希望在别人身上发现的东西。比如听说谁小时候过得不幸福，或者现在感到特别孤单，或者在工作上被人欺负，或者在旧感情里觉得自己一文不值，我们会忧心忡忡。这些事对我们来说，不只是让人难过的小插曲，其实是能够让我们感受到爱的核心原因。For us to be this way, there tends to have been a certain sort of childhood. Something has happened to us early on, which means that giving assistance has become decisively easier than receiving it.我们之所以会这样，是因为小时候的一些经历，这些经历让我们觉得，伸出援手比接受别人的帮助要来得更自然、更简单。We might say that everyone, at the start, longs to receive love. But when it’s not been especially forthcoming, one way to handle its absence is to turn into a compulsive caregiver; to offer others what we wish could have been offered to us, to turn our deficiency into a bounty, to locate the needy part of us in someone else and then to heal it in them as an alternative to addressing it in ourselves.我们每一个人一开始都希望得到爱。但如果爱没那么容易得到，我们就会想办法应对这种缺失，比如变成一个总是想照顾别人的人。我们会给别人我们自己想要却没得到的东西，把我们自己的不足变成对别人的慷慨，把我们自己需要被治愈的部分投射到别人身上，然后通过帮助他们来间接治愈自己，而不是直接面对自己的问题。When we have had to forego our wish to be nurtured and understood – maybe because mum was elsewhere or dad low in spirits – we might have begun by looking after our teddy bear, then moved on to our friends, and eventually in adulthood, discovered our greatest satisfaction in salving the woes of our lovers. 如果我们曾经因为妈妈忙别的事或者爸爸心情不好，而不得不放下被人照顾和理解的期望，我们可能就会先从照顾自己的玩具熊开始，然后是照顾朋友，等到长大了，我们发现自己最开心的事情就是帮爱人解决他们的困难。We may now be rendered hugely uncomfortable whenever the tables turn even for a moment. If a lover said, ‘tonight it’s going to be all about you,’ we might flinch. To hear ‘I want to put you at the centre of my world’ could bring on panic.我们现在可能不太习惯被人照顾，哪怕是短暂的一刻。如果爱人说，“今晚全部时间都给你”，我们可能会感到不自在。听到“我想让你成为我世界的全部”，我们可能会有点慌。It’s not that such care isn’t fundamentally wanted, it’s that it was never experienced and so has grown alien and frightening, a reminder of a wound we haven’t been strong enough to contemplate, rage at and move on from. 我们不是不想要别人的这种关心，而是因为我们从来没得到过这样的关心，所以这种关心让我们感觉既陌生又有点吓人，就像提醒我们那些我们还没勇气去好好想想、发发脾气然后放下的伤心事。The way out of our cul-de-sac is to start to notice how scared we are. We may have justified our behaviour by thinking of ourselves principally as selfless. But we are something more complicated and more interesting: terrified. We aren’t just without reciprocity; we are manically intolerant of it. 我们走出死胡同的方法是，开始承认自己内心的恐惧。我们们可能一直觉得自己的行为大公无私，但实际上，我们的情况更复杂，也更有意思：我们其实是害怕的。我们的问题不在于得不到回应，而是我们特别受不了别人不回应我们。And yet, as we still stand to discover, sometimes, the real generosity is to let a lover do to us what a parent did not at the start. It’s to stop occupying the powerful position of the rescuer and learn, at points, to take the risk of being at another’s mercy. It’s to experience – as if for the first time – how much we need someone else. Real maturity may be as much about a capacity to receive as to give.然而，我们得明白，真正的大方是让爱人给我们那些小时候父母没给我们的爱。我们得学会放下那种总是想拯救别人的高姿态，有时候冒险去依靠别人。这是去真正感受-好像第一次一样-我们其实很需要别人。真正的成熟不光是能给别人东西，还包括能接受别人给我们的东西。By The School of Life译：良哥