似乎两个人时时刻刻在一起，无论大事小事都应该一起做，才表明他们真的相爱。两个人相爱，就应该成为彼此的中心，给双方增加压力吗？伴侣应该如何在生活中共进退，成为彼此遇到困难时的重要参谋？相爱的两个人不可能方方面面都合拍，又该如何给自己一些个人空间，减少互相之间的依赖？It can feel very weird, and a bit threatening, to talk about taking the pressure off a relationship. Our collective, inherited Romantic culture likes to imagine functioning couples doing more or less everything together and being the centre of each other’s lives.聊如何减轻一段关系中的压力，有点奇怪，也有点恐怖，我们共同继承的浪漫文化认为伴侣无论大事小事都应该一起做，成为彼此生活中的中心。The good couple is, we are told, one in which two people mean more or less everything to one another. In a sound relationship, we are supposed to meet each other’s needs in every area of existence – from sex to intellectual stimulation, cooking styles to bedroom habits. We’re supposed to lead our social life in tandem, be the primary sounding board for one another’s problems, and complete each other in spirit and in matter.我们被告知，一对好的伴侣就是无论什么事都要一起做，双方应当在各个方面都能满足彼此的需要，从性爱到智力激发，从烹饪风格到床笫之欢。伴侣应当在生活中共同进退，为对方的问题做主要参谋，在精神和物质上彼此完美。If they’re involved in a sport, we should at once join in or at least come along and support them every weekend; if we want to visit a particular country, they are supposed to trot along enthusiastically with us; our friends are meant to be their friends… It all sounds sweet but it is, over the long term – a recipe for disaster. No two people can ever match each other across all areas of existence; and the attempt to do so inevitably ushers in bitterness and rage.如果对方参加运动，我们得马上加入或者至少要在周末陪同并为他们加油；如果我们特别想去一个国家，那么对方也应该马上和我们一样激动；我们的朋友注定也是他们的朋友……这都听起来很甜，但是长期看来，后患无穷。没有哪两个人可以在方方面面都合拍，而强取之则不可避免地导致苦果与怒火。We have, at the collective level, given ourselves a hugely unhelpful picture of how love should go. Any independent move is read like a sign that we can’t actually love one another: it is taken to be evidence of imminent danger if we visit other countries on our own or sleep apart.在集体层面上，我们给了自己一幅毫无用处的爱旅之画。任何独立的行为都被我们解读为并不真正相爱的信号，将被视为迫在眉睫的危险，比如只身一人去了别的国家或者分床睡觉。So we end up badgering each other to do things that we don’t really like, forcing each other to endure tedious hobbies or see each other’s peculiar old friends, not even because we inherently want to do so, but simply because any other arrangement has come to seem like evidence of betrayal.所以最后我们得缠在彼此身上，做那些我们根本不喜欢的事，强迫彼此去忍受那些乏味的爱好和那些奇葩的老朋友，这并不是因为我们发自内心地想要这么做，而是因为任何其他的安排都会被视为背叛。A more realistic and in the proper sense Romantic view of couples would suggest that there do have to be a few strong areas where we meet each other's needs, but that there should also be plenty of others where we are clearly better off pursuing our goals on our own.更实际且更适宜的恋爱观确实建议我们有一些强领域来满足彼此的需求，但是，我们也需要有一些别的空间让我们来更好地追求个人的目标。Consider the following list of independent activities and give them stars (from one to five) if they strike you as relevant: I’d like to… – Travel without my partner; – Have dinner one to one with a friend; – Be able to go to a party without my partner, and not have them feel left out; – Visit my parents alone; – Have my own financial adviser; – Go for long walks on my own; – Have a separate bathroom; – Go shopping with a friend rather than with my partner. Look at each other’s stars and lists. Is there anything that you feel you could accommodate?考虑考虑接下来的独立行为，并给其打上1星到5星，如果你觉得它们合你意的话：-我想要不带伴侣的旅行；-只身与朋友共进晚饭，不带另一半的聚会并且不让他们觉得被冷落；-独自一人看爸妈；-有独自的财务顾问；-独自散长步；-有独自的浴室；-和朋友去购物而不是伴侣。看看你们互相的打星和排名，有没有什么可以妥协的地方。We should recognise that a degree of independence isn’t an attack on a partner: it’s a guarantee of the solidity of the underlying commitment one has made. Truly stable couples aren’t those that do everything together, it’s those that have managed to interpret their differences in non-dramatic, non-disloyal terms.我们应该知道，一定程度上的独立并非对伴侣的攻击，这是一个保证，保证更深一层次的承诺的稳固性。真正稳定的伴侣不会什么事都一起做，在不戏剧化且彼此忠诚之上，他们会去理解二人之间的差异。Ultimately, a reduction of dependence doesn’t mean a relationship is unraveling: it means that we have learnt to focus more clearly and intently on what the other person can actually bring us and have stopped blaming them for not being someone they never were. We no longer need to be upset that their ideal holiday destination strikes us as a bit unappealing, or that their friends can seem boring. We have learnt, instead, to value them for the areas where we truly see eye to eye.最终，依赖性的减少并不意味着关系在解绑，它意味着我们在学着更明确也更热切地专注于另一半真正给我们带来的事，停止因为对方没有成为他们从未是过的人而责怪他们。我们不再需要为他们的理想度假胜地不吸引我们而感到难过，也不需要为他们朋友很无聊而感到不开心。反之，我们学会了要珍视那些我们亲眼看到过的地方。To enjoy a harmonious union with someone, we should ensure that we have plenty of sources of excitement, reassurance and stimulation outside of them. When we hit problems, we should be able to lean on other supports. The demand that another person compensate us for all that’s alarming, wearing or deficient in our lives is a mechanism for systematically destroying any relationship.要确保除伴侣之外，我们还有足够多的兴奋、慰藉和刺激的来源，这样才能享受到一段和谐的关系。当我们遇到了问题，应该还有其他的东西能让我们依靠。要求另外一个人去填补我们生命中所有的恐惧、厌烦和缺憾，是一种系统性地破坏任何关系的机制。Our conflicts and disappointments will at once feel more manageable when we stop asking our partner to function always as our long lost other half. The more we can survive without a relationship, the greater will be that relationship chances of survival and fulfillment. We will truly give love a chance when we stop believing it can single-handedly save us.我们的矛盾和不满会立刻显得容易对付起来，只要我们停止要求伴侣总是表演我们长期走失的另一半。在一段恋情之外，我们越能存活，这段恋情就越有可能存活且圆满。当我们不再相信它可以凭一己之力拯救我们时，我们才真正给了爱情一个机会。标题：Why We Should Expect Less Of Love_x264By The School of Life译：良哥