“自尊”这个词从字面上理解，是我们对自我价值的评价与感受，它影响着我们的行为选择、情绪状态乃至人际关系。我们以为自尊不是别人给的，是我们内心的力量，是自然而然的，是与生俱来。但是，我们对自己的感知，其实内化了别人对我们的看法。我们的自尊心就像是周围人对我们看法的一面镜子，我们对自己的期望，可能是他人对我们期望的反映；我们对未来的期待，可能是由过去的经历的反应；我们觉得自己不够好，可能意味着有人这么认为。It's a feature of the way we're built that we don't generally go around asking why we feel as we do about ourselves. Our self perception strikes us as just natural. It's been with us for as long as we can remember. It seems ingrained. It's who we are not something created by partial circumstantial forces. 我们生来就带有的一种特质是：普遍不会去问为什么我们对自己有某种感觉。我们的自我感知似乎是自然而然的，仿佛与生俱来，根植于我们的记忆深处，似乎是根深蒂固的，而不是由外部环境的某些因素创造的。And therefore, we take it as both true and beyond inquiry, but it may be neither, which is why we have good cause to Lean in on one of the most fundamental laws of psychological functioning, which states that the way we feel about ourselves is an internalization of how other people felt about us.因此，我们认为这是真实且无需质疑的，但实际上可能并不是这样。这就是为什么我们要认真研究心理学的一个基本概念：我们对自己的感知，其实是我们内化了别人对我们的看法。 During our formative years, our self esteem is a mirror of the esteem in which we were held by those around us. What we expect of ourselves is a reflection of what others expected from us in childhood. What we think the future will bring is shaped by what the past brought us. It sounds a simple enough principle. It's an enormously hard one to keep in mind. Let alone thread back through our own experience. 在我们成长的关键时期，我们的自尊心就像是周围人对我们看法的一面镜子。我们对自己的期望，是童年时他人对我们期望的反映。我们对未来的期待，是由过去的经历塑造的。这个道理听起来简单，但要时刻记在心里却不容易。更不用说回顾我们自己的经历了。We may understand the idea intellectually. It can be the work of much of our lives to feel its truth and untie its legacy in our own particular case. The past has a habit of leaving few active traces. We register emotions without being able to follow them back to any source, but we can and should work against the forces of forgetting. 理智上我们理解这个概念。但真正体会到它的深刻含义，并解决它在我们自己生活中造成的影响，可能需要我们一生的努力。过去的事情往往不会留下太多明显的痕迹。我们能感受到各种情绪，却无法追溯到它们的来源，但我们能够也应该努力对抗遗忘的力量。To see how this principle of self esteem works. We can look at its positive manifestations first. The thought I am a valuable, lovely person, indicates that others once found me lovely, or the thought that things are going to be okay for me. Indicates that nice things once happened around me, or the thought that I can contribute, indicates that others once thought I could contribute. 要理解自尊是如何起作用的，我们先来看看它的正面影响。比如，当你觉得自己很有价值、很讨人喜欢，这可能意味着过去有人觉得你很可爱；当你觉得一切都会好起来，意味着你身边曾经发生过好事；当你认为自己能做出贡献，意味着曾经有人相信你能做出贡献。But it's the exploration of the negative side of the principle that yields the greatest dividends, a sense that I'm not good enough, indicates that other people once didn't find me good enough, or I'm terrified I've done something wrong, indicates that other people once constantly accused me of doing something wrong. 但探索自尊的负面影响，能让我们得到最大的收获。比如，如果我们觉得自己不够好，可能意味着以前有人这么认为；如果我们害怕自己做错了事，可能是因为以前有人总是指责我们做错了事。In other words, did something wrong to me or I can't do anything, indicates that other people once thought I was hopeless. Or I'm an idiot indicates that other people, once thought I was stupid or I feel invisible indicates that I once wasn't seen. All of this is particularly difficult because our feelings about who we are and what might happen to us aren't just passive elements.换句话说，如果我觉得自己被伤害了，或者我什么都做不了，意味着曾经有人觉得我无药可救。如果我觉得自己是个蠢货，表明曾经有人觉得我愚蠢，或者如果我感觉自己被忽视了，表明我以前没有得到足够的注意。所有这些感特别难以处理，因为我们对自己的看法和对未来的预期，并不只是被动接受的，它们会主动影响我们的行为和选择。But they are in the habit of actively determining our futures, the person who feels a failure is going to end up failing. The person who feels boring will end up boring others and so on. We haven't just suffered once. We may get stuck in a loop of suffering. The priority is to stop taking our self esteem as a given and to start to look at its origins as an outgrowth of a period of personal experience that we've not been able to keep in mind that can be questioned. 这些感受通常会主动塑造我们的未来。如果一个人觉得自己是个失败者，那么他很可能会失败。如果一个人觉得自己很无聊，那么他最终也会让别人感到无聊。我们不只是一次性地受到伤害，可能会陷入一个不断重复的痛苦循环中。我们首先要做的是，不要再把自尊看成是天生就有的，而应该去追溯它的根源，把它看作是我们过去经历的一部分，是我们没有记住但可以去质疑的一段历史。Once we've properly absorbed this principle of psychology, it becomes open to us to reassess our value and prospects by a more just means we no longer need to judge ourselves through the eyes of people who were too unwell and in pain to see us properly.一旦我们真正领会了这个心理学的道理，我们就能够用更公平的方法来重新认识自己的价值和未来的可能性。我们不再需要通过那些自己都病得很重、很痛苦、无法正确看待我们的人的眼光来评判自己。