成熟而稳定的关系秘诀在于坦诚和开放的交流。但我们很多人却因为担心直白地说出自己的感受会伤害或疏远对方而退缩了。解决这个问题的办法不是发泄怒气，而是要敢于承认自己的需求和愿望，而不是把责任推给对方，责怪对方。在说话之前，我们应该先自己想想应该怎么说，并竭尽全力用最温和和礼貌的语言来表达你的真实感受。A basic rule to guarantee the health of any relationship is that we should try always to stick as close as possible to the truth of what we're actually feeling and to get this across to the partner in a way that they're going to understand, which in practice means with as much kindness and politeness as we can possibly scrape together.任何关系持久健康的基本准则是，我们应当始终努力忠实于自己的真实感受，这意味着在真实的生活中，我们要以一种对方能够领会的方式，竭尽全力用最温和和礼貌的语言来表达这些感受。We normally do things quite differently. We say "I don't care in the slightest when you come home, I'll be asleep anyway," when we really mean "I miss you so much. I'm rather upset that you keep going out with your friends." Or we say "Go to hell and die. I hate you," when we really mean "I'm terrified of how much I depend on you."我们通常会用反话来掩饰自己的真实感受。我们表面上说“你晚点回来也没关系，我反正已经睡了”，其实心里想的是“我很想你的，你老出去和朋友玩，我有点不高兴”。或者我们可能会说“你滚开，我讨厌你”，实际上我们心里是“我害怕自己太依赖你了”。We get into heated arguments about politics when we crave something far more domestic, a hug, or we sternly criticize their timekeeping because they didn't ask more about our day, or we find fault with their mother because we're furious that they've repeatedly sidestepped sex, or we say "Will you stop fussing around the kitchen preparing things I don't even want to eat," when we really mean "I'm being cruel because I don't know how else to express my hurt."我们内心深处想要的可能只是一个拥抱，却因为政治问题吵得面红耳赤。或者我们对他们迟到的事情大发雷霆，实际上是因为他们没有关心我们一天过得怎么样；又或者我们对他们妈妈产生不满，其实是因为对他们总是逃避亲密接触而感到生气。或者我们说“你能不能别在厨房里忙来忙去准备那些我根本不想吃的东西”，实际上我们真正想表达的是“我之所以这么刻薄，是因为我还能怎样表达我内心的受伤。”Why can't we more often say what we mean? We aren't just being silly. None of this is simple. In a better arranged world, we would have Olympic competitions to focus our minds on and celebrate the skills involved, and the winners would be given large houses and often appear on television to speak candidly yet kindly. It's as complicated as to play the violin and perhaps a good deal more useful and beautiful.我们为什么老是不能直接说出心里话呢？这事儿不是我们傻，而是真心不容易。在更加有序的世界里，我们可能会有奥运会级别的比赛来磨练我们的心智，并且欢欣鼓舞于比赛中展现的技能，赢得比赛的人能得到大房子，还能经常上电视，用真心话但又不失礼貌的方式交流。这事儿和拉小提琴一样复杂，但可能更实用，也更美妙。We don't say what we mean because we have no experience of anyone pulling off such a wondrous and mature feat anywhere around us. We were likely to have been brought up by people who said things like "You're off my hands now. It doesn't matter to me what you do," when they really meant "I crave closeness and wish you would call more often."我们不直说心里话，是因为我们没见过身边有谁能做到这样厉害又成熟的事。我们可能从小就听大人说“你现在长大了，我不管你了，你爱做什么做什么”，其实他们心里想的是“我希望你跟我亲近点，多给我打打电话”。So here are some examples of what we should try to do: take A and turn it into B. So A is "Shut the hell up about your stupid friends," and B might be "I'm feeling a bit ignored at the moment. It sounds a bit ridiculous, I know, but I can't help but feeling a little bit jealous of how much time you seem to be spending with your mates."因此，我们应当学会怎么把A情况变成B情况。A情况是“别老说你那些笨蛋朋友了”，B情况是“我现在感觉有点被你忽视了。我知道这听起来可能有点可笑，但我确实有点嫉妒你和朋友们在一起的时间那么多。”Or A might be "I never want to see you again, you stinking ratface little sh," and B would be "It seems I'm feeling really pretty upset at the moment and it makes me want to take a bit of distance. I guess deep down, I'm terrified you're going to abandon me."或者A情况可能是“我再也不想看到你了，你这个讨厌的混球”，而B情况就是“我现在心情真的很不好，想跟你保持点距离。说实话，我内心深处其实很怕你会不要我了。”Now, over to you,现在轮到你了，A: I don’t give a damn who you talk to at the party.A情况是：“你在派对上爱跟谁聊就跟谁聊，我一点也不在乎”，And B might be: …因此B情况应该是：…Or imagine A being: Why didn’t you tidy the kitchen?或者假设A情况是：“你为什么没打扫厨房？B might be: …B情况应该是：…Or A is: Fuck off and die.A情况是：”你滚开，去死吧。”B might be: … B情况应该是：…It's easy to get carried away with large plans for our futures, but we can improve them immeasurably with one modest-sounding, extremely difficult vow: to pause at key moments and ask ourselves, "If I were going to try and be three things: honest, kind, and polite, what would I say now?" This could change our lives.我们很容易憧憬未来，制定一大堆计划，但其实只要我们能坚持一个听起来简单做起来难的承诺：在关键时刻停下来，问问自己："如果我决定要做一个诚实、善良、有礼貌的人，我现在应该怎么说？" 这个问题可能会让我们的生活变得不一样。