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嘴上说没事，其实心里很有事。每个人多少都有些被动攻击的情绪和表现，从生闷气、不理不睬、说反话、冷战、消极不配合、摆臭脸等等，不一而足。“被动攻击”是一种心理应对机制，当人觉得自己无能为力，或害怕爆发冲突时，就会以这种表面和气却拐弯抹角的方式，来表达内心的诉求与隐藏的愤怒。
被动攻击会使我们持续灰心丧气，使我们成为生活的受害者，我们必须学会抛弃这种行为，成为自己生活的主人。
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Have you ever been slighted? And instead of directly confronting the individual or situation, you secretly lashed out. Maybe you withheld help or spread some negative gossip or you might have said a few carefully concealed cutting remarks. If so you may have fallen into the passive-aggressive trap.
你被冷落过吗？并且你没有选择直接质询当事人或当时的情况，而是选择暗中报复。也许是不乐意帮助别人，或散布一些负面的八卦，或者说一些小心翼翼的伤人的话。如果是这样，你可能已经落入了被动攻击陷阱。
Hi, I'm Peter Montoya from thrive Union.And I'll be sharing our current thinking on passive aggressiveness. Why it's so disempowering? And how to avoid it? And if you're ready to thrive more each week, please support our channel by hitting the subscribe button and notification bell, it's free. We call it the passive aggressiveness trap because it harms us and our relationships more than it resolves.
And its frequently an addictive behavior that spirals into disempowering beliefs and self defeat. But what is passive aggressiveness? It's any hostile behavior that's hidden or meant to seem neutral. This can include non threatening or socially acceptable actions such as heavy sighs, fake smiles, sullenness and avoidance. People are often passive aggressive because they don't get their way or they're inconvenienced.
并且被动攻击往往是一种令人上瘾行为，会升级为消极的信念和自我挫败。但什么是被动攻击？它是任何隐藏的或想要看起来是中立的敌对行为，包括非威胁性的，或社会可接受的行为，比如沉重的叹息、假笑、情绪消沉和回避，人们经常因为没有得到自己想要的或遇上了麻烦而被动攻击。
Imagine a tired and stressed traveler whose flight gets cancelled, they might easily get snotty and rude with an airline agent who's trying to help them.That's passive aggressiveness. Passive aggressiveness can be critical remarks, sarcasm or undermining another person in subtler ways like gossip. It can also manifest as covert revenge. If you've ever been mad at a boss and dragged your feet on a project, that's passive aggressiveness, too. Procrastination and intentional inefficiency can be as well. It can manifest as withholding of help, affection, praise, time or communication.
想象一下，一个疲惫不堪、压力巨大的旅行者，他的航班被取消了，他可能很容易就会对试图帮助他的航空公司代理人发脾气，这就是被动攻击。被动攻击行为可以是批评性言论、讽刺性话语，或者以流言等更微妙的方式伤害一个人，也可以表现为隐秘的报复。如果你曾经因对老板生气，而在一个项目上拖拖拉拉，这也是被动攻击，拖延和故意的低效率都可能是，被动攻击也表现为拒绝提供帮助、感情、赞美、时间或沟通。
If you ever ask romantic partner what's wrong? and they angrily respond with you know what you did. That's passive-aggressiveness. The worst thing about passive aggressiveness is it almost never works. It usually hurts your relationships and doesn't get either party what they want. It's a relationship killer. So why do we indulge in it so much? Primarily is because we feel disempowered and feel like we don't have a voice. Passive aggressiveness may seem like our only option as it seems easier than direct conflict. But passive aggressiveness is just plain horrible for us. It erodes trust, damages our relationships and leads to more complaining.
如果你曾经有过问另一半，怎么了？而对方愤怒地回答说，你知道你做了什么，这就是被动攻击，被动攻击最糟糕之处在于它几乎从未起作用，它通常会伤害你的关系 ，并且无法让任何一方得到他们想要的。被动攻击是亲密关系的杀手，那么，为什么我们会沉溺于此？主要是因为我们觉得自己没有能力，觉得自己没有发言权，被动攻击看起来似乎是我们唯一的选择，因为它比直接冲突更容易，但被动攻击其实对我们来说非常可怕，它会侵蚀信任，破坏我们的关系，导致更多的抱怨。
No one wishes their friends were more passive aggressive. As psychotherapists Carrie Cole explains, the super toxic attempt at conflict resolution that actually does not resolve any conflict. Passive aggressiveness keeps us disempowered, making us victims of life's circumstances rather than masters of our future. To build deep and rewarding relationships, we have to leave that behavior behind and that applies in romance, with our families and at work, and in society.
没有人会想要一个被动攻击型的朋友，正如心理治疗师卡莉·科尔解释的那样。被动攻击是试图解决冲突的超级毒药，但实际上无法解决任何冲突，被动攻击使我们持续灰心丧气，使我们成为生活的受害者，而不是自己未来的主人。想要建立深入和有价值的关系，我们必须抛弃这种行为，这适用于恋爱、家庭、工作以及社会。
So how do we stop passive aggressiveness? First, recognize it in yourself and others. Anytime you're trying to punish someone without them knowing because they deserve it, it's usually passive aggressive behavior.
我们如何停止被动攻击？首先，认识到这件事在自己和他人身上的发生，任何时候你觉得一个人罪有应得，想在他不知情的情况下惩罚他，这通常都是被动攻击的行为。
Second, practice mindful anger. Don't suppress your emotions, sit with them or use journaling. As mindfulness coach Juno Mustad said, your anger has been trying to tell you something, it's time to listen with genuine curiosity, ask your anger, what do I need to see right now that I've been unwilling to face, what needs to be protected or supported? what action do I need to take right now?
第二，练习有意识的愤怒。不要压抑你的情绪，坐下来思考或者写进日记。正念教练朱诺·穆斯塔德说，你的愤怒是在试图告诉你一些事情，你应该带着真诚的好奇心去倾听，问问你的愤怒，我现在需要看到什么我一直不敢面对的问题，什么需要被保护或支持？我现在需要采取什么行动？
Third, practice being assertive. The opposite of passive aggressiveness is assertiveness, and assertiveness is power. Assertive people know how to ask what they want and enforce their boundaries calmly with confidence. They know how to get what they want without making anyone else wrong or feel bad.
第三，练习自信。被动攻击的反面就是自信，而自信就是力量，自信的人知道如何要求他们想要的东西，并冷静自信地坚持自己的界限。他们知道如何获得他们想要的，而不会让任何人感到难堪或难过。
Finally, accept that sometimes you're just not going to get your way and that covertly punishing others won't help. It takes courage to put on a happy face and make the best of a bad situation, but that's part of what it means to be mature. When you work to eliminate your own passive aggressiveness. You enjoy deeper relationships and increased happiness. Your voice will be directly heard boosting your self-esteem and confidence.
最后，接受有时候你就是无法得到你想要的。而且暗中惩罚别人也没有用，摆出快乐的样子。应对好糟糕的情况，需要勇气，但这就是长大成熟的一部分。当你努力消除自己的被动攻击行为，你会收获更深入的关系和更多的快乐，你的声音将直接被听到，你的自尊和自信也能够得到提高。
You'll enjoy more trust, responsibility and respect as well as improved communication skills and your own self intuition. Above all, you'll become empowered. So if you want greater peace, better relationships and greater empowerment, stopping passive aggressiveness is a great place to begin.
你将享有更多的信任、责任和尊重、还有沟通技巧和自觉能力的提升。最重要的是，你会变得更有力量，所以如果你想要更融洽的相处、更好的关系以及更强大的力量，那么停止被动攻击是一个很好的开始。
本期译制团：
翻译：AL
责任编辑：Leon Yong